The MOVIE experience

So you have decided that you are going to the movies. You can sink into those warm chairs, comfortable in the dark silence and think about what life must have been like in the womb.

The new James Bond film just came out and it’s bigger, badder and more intense than all the rest. It’s the best one, and this guy, this guy is definitely the best James bond EVER!

Sean who? Kick him in the throat! Shoot him in the face! Make him bleed, Bond! I will have your baby when science works out how!

So you’ve bought your ticket and, hands full of popcorn and drink you make your way into the theater. As you round the corner you see that it is full, I mean, FULL. Did every person on the planet have the same idea as you. It must be that damn Adele song, that sweet siren voice ringing in everyone’s ears slowly driving them into the theaters. MINDLESS DRONES!

‘I don’t know where we can sit, is that a space?’

GREAT MARKETING, by the way.

So you find two seats in the front of the theater and look up at an angle far to close to 90 degrees up for my liking, open your eyes wider and get ready because you CAN’T SEE ANYTHING!

You watch as a fantastic action scene erupts and color, painfully bright and obtrusive enters your retina and burns you brain. ‘What’s happening?’ you think to yourself as you turn your head to see something on the other side of the screen. ‘Oh, missed it.’ Have I died… Is this Hell?

THAT’S RIGHT!

I understand that we did not arrive super early in the theater and so we didn’t get the good seats, and that because we were on time and the movie was popular we were relegated to lower class seats and had our beloved movie experience ruined.

But WHY, on this green earth, should we pay the same price for those absolutely RUBBISH, CRAP, IDIOT seats. You cannot see the action. If the cinematographer decided to show action moving from one side of the screen to the other, you would need to turn your head and if you’re not fast enough, well too bad. You get a crick in your neck, exactly like the genie in Aladdin and you have lost, at least 5% of your ability to see the colour blue.

Options to rectify the problem:

1: Remove the seats completely as they are too close to the screen.

(But what about the money? After that experience I started a subscription with Netflix – you have definitely lost some of my money)

2: Sell tickets to those seats at a lesser price, letting people know that these seats are crap and that you should shut your eyes once every 3 minutes for 30 seconds to ensure you don’t go blind. This is what they do in concerts, music shows, theater, opera, blah, blah. Some seats are better than others and should be priced accordingly. (But how do we monitor that people won’t get cheap tickets and then move to a better seat? You’ll work it out I have faith – Hire an expert, they design a plan and implement said plan. BOOM!)

Putting seats that close to the screen and thinking people can enjoy the film is STUPID and the STUPIDITY falls onto our shoulders after that because our asses still fill those seats, the hell of theater experience, where the heat and radiation from Bond’s mega punch actually singes your eyebrows.

BOYCOTT THE CLOSE SEATS – unless something changes.

I am.

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